Wicked Wednesday

I am sad to say that today and yesterday have been dreadful. I want to go home so badly, but I need someone to come pick me up and my mom said that she won't. I understand. She is as tired and frustrated as I am, if not more. I feel so guilty, but so unwell that I just want to give up. I simply don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. What has been keeping me going is that I make it through the day and then after dinner I take Diazapam, fall asleep, take my night pills and sleep until morning. A nurse stopped by my room today and she said she doesn't recognize me anymore. I used to be full of fight and now I am withering away in despair.

I don't know what to do anymore. I realize that going home would be just giving in to my Anorexia, but I am just so tired. I am still super scared of gaining weight and I want to purge after every meal. It's simply exhausting. I am unable to escape from these enormously obsessive thoughts. All I want to do is sleep and escape from myself.

I try to look online for motivational quotes and Instagram accounts and that takes my mind off of this severe frustration at least a little. I just can't stop thinking about 'why me?' 'why can't I be normal?' 'why do I have to cause so my pain for my mom?'. I miss her so much. I made her very angry yesterday and I feel very guilty about that. I haven't been able to talk to her today, so I just sent her an apologetic message on Whatsapp, but it doesn't feel enough. I want her to know that I feel so ashamed for torturing her, but I just can't help it.

With so many patients on the ward it's difficult to get alone time with a doctor and even when I succeed, I am at loss for words. I just repeat myself over and over and keep hearing the same answers that bring no comfort. 'You know what you're supposed to do!'. Do I though, since I can't make myself practice what I can preach? Eat, don't purge, do something to take your mind off of thinking about food and worries about gaining weight.

I know that I will be discharged when I reach my 37 kg goal, but it seems impossible to achieve right now. I messaged my therapist in Vienna and she only confirmed that 37 is the minimum, very liberal minimum that I need to weight if I want to continue working with her. 37 kilos still doesn't bring me to a 14 BMI, which is typically a BMI recommended for outpatient therapy. In our contract it also says that while in therapy I need to be slowly gaining weight. It petrifies me. How can I even begin to cope with that? I honestly don't know.. For now, I will try to focus on reducing my need to purge after every meal and accept the fact that when I will be weighed on Monday, I should see a higher number than 33.6. 33.6 seems excessively high right now and my rationality is shocked by these feelings that the number on a scale brings. It is low. It is very low, but I desperately want to weight even less. I need help... I am screaming on the inside that I need help so much!