New roommate, New Rules

Hey guys! So not much has happened here, or maybe it has. I had a rather difficult day yesterday, because I was persuaded that I wanted to go home. I no longer saw the benefits of my inpatient stay and quite frankly, it was my Anorexia talking, it wanted to go home, it wanted to not be under the supervision of staff, it wanted to ran away.

I cried to my mom and I feel so guilty and sorry for putting her through all this haphazard mess. I don't really have anyone to talk to except for her, so I write her apologetic messages on WhatsApp all day long. I have no idea what she thinks. I have no clue, if hearing how deeply sorry I am has any effect on her. If you're reading this, mom, please do know that I am so very sorry for being such a terrible daughter, who only causes you deep pain and sorrow.

On a different note, I got a new roommate yesterday. My old one was moved from this supervision room, which has a glass window connected to the nurse's station, to a regular one and I got to stay here and I even got a new roommate. I don't like changes. I don't do well with changes. I am not really interested in talking to her and I guess I am quite cold towards her, which is not on purpose, it's just my safety mechanism. I am cold towards her, because she is new, she might not stay or something... I don't really know how to explain it. I really don't feel good in my room, which is proving to be a problem, because my tension and anxiety only worsens.

They changed my medication again, so I was trying to get used to it this afternoon by napping. I didn't fall asleep, I was awake, just resting for about 2 hours. I felt drowsy, but unfortunately I didn't fall fully asleep. I mentioned new rules in the title- so here it comes: I am not allowed to take a shower by myself, a nurse has to be present, I cannot use the bathroom without supervision and I am just basically not allowed to move. I am restricted to my bed fully and completely. It's so humiliating. Not being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower like a normal person. I wonder how long it will last, because quite frankly, it's causing my so much stress that I think I am losing weight from that. The stress also puts my body into 'high alert' zone, which also translates into-I am so out of my comfort zone- I want to purge, I want to not eat, I want to walk, I want to move... It's horrendous right now and I hope all these restrictions will be lifted slowly.

I haven't been able to do anything in my free time as well, which is just such a shame. I have no energy and no willingness to do just about anythinh. I just sit on my bed, stare blankly and twitch my legs from nerves. I wish I were able to solve puzzled, concentrate on a jigsaw puzzle, make friendship bracelets. All is proving to be too much. I miss home, I miss my mom, I feel miserable, I feel like I have been stripped off of any dignity that I have left. I am miserable.