Troublesome Thursday

So today proved to be tricky yet again. I am tired of the fact that I need to start writing my posts this way, but I am unable to switch my head into something positive. I started the day off with having trouble getting out of bed, because I guess I am just so exhausted from the high strung days that I have been going through. Days filled with emotions, days filled with guilt and days filled with shame. My medication was tweaked a little, so maybe I won't be as nervous and tense before. I am hoping for the best.

Today I had a recovery failure, because I purged. I am scared to tell the staff, but I guess I have to or else I would be going against me. It felt good to get rid of the food, but afterwards I was flooded with guilt and shame, emotions which I am trying so hard to avoid.

I am missing home with each passing minute and it is becoming almost agonizing. I miss my bed, I miss my clothes and mostly I miss my mom and the sense of freedom. I say sense of freedom, because at home I struggled with the thoughts that my mom was watching my every move, monitoring every bite I took and tensed up whenever I had to use the restroom. And to be honest, rightfully so. I got so sick of lying and misbehaving and that's why I wanted to go to a hospital. Now, when I am under strict supervision I am finding it extremely difficult. I want to escape this reign of terror as I like to call it in my head.

We have an assignment for tomorrow- make a collage of things that happened during the week that made an impression, good or bad. Mine got adjusted a little to just the happy part. I guess the staff is also frustrated with how poorly I am coping with the rules and bed rest, etc. I am planning on glueing a flower bouquet on paper and a bracelet of sorts. These are both things I received from a patient that is very kind. She is a florist, so I hope to pick her brain a little regarding how she managed to get that job. I would love to work in a flower store. Now that my invalid pension has been approved I suppose I can afford to work in an occupation that isn't so mentally challenging and being a florist could flourish my creativity and get handy at work as opposed to just working for a promotion, appreciation, success... We shall see, won't we?