Sinister Saturday

Today I am having a rough day. It’s not as bad as yesterday when I truly couldn’t get myself to do anything, but it’s very difficult nonetheless. I am so anxious and tense that it feels as though my insides are ripping apart. I am having enormous compunctions regardless all the food I ate and even when I am drinking tea or water I am thinking about purging. It’s not even that I am full, but anything that’s inside of me causes me to be extremely uncomfortable. I think about every gram that I am gaining from food. I am going to be weighed on Monday morning and I am very curious as to how much I have gained. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this stuff, but I can’t help it.

During the weekend time drags. It feels as though all I do is push it just a few seconds forward so that the next time I look at my watch I will see that it has progressed. I wanted to write a blog post about the ICU in Vienna yesterday, but I couldn’t make myself sit up and type. And think, really. I might do it later today, because as I am typing this my anxiety is reducing and I might be capable of doing something productive later on. My roommate and I even got a new jigsaw puzzle for the weekend. However, I can’t bring myself to work on it. I wish I was in the mood to watch something as well, I have a bunch of TV shows that I wanted to catch up on, but again with the BUT… I couldn’t be bothered. I started making a friendship bracelet to distract myself. It’s not really doing the trick, but it helped some. I wish I could talk to someone, but not about my illness or problems, just talk… Have company. I feel very alone and the fact that we can’t have any visitors due to the corona virus pandemic is just dreadful. I picture in my mind having my mom come here and visit me for a couple of hours and it makes me sad. She can’t come and I have to wait out the weekend by myself.

I keep thinking about yesterday and how the nurses and my doctor tried to help me when I said that I wanted to go home. What would I do at home? Honestly, I would try to eat away my feelings and then purge everything and anything. I miss having access to food. It really is the tool that calms me down the most. I can't help it. My hopes are that perhaps I will be able to get over these intense feelings as time passes by, that it will get better. I mean, it has to. I need food to live, so I need to learn how to eat like anybody else. Eat normal amounts and then keep it down. I just wish it wasn't so difficult.

What helps me the most these days is actually getting likes on stupid Instagram. It gives me a feeling that people root for me and I am not alone. The loneliness is in my opinion the most difficult. I can't picture anything that I want to do in the future, so getting better feels pointless. Why bother if when I get home I will still be miserable and get back to my unhealthy way of eating. I have no motivation except for external one. I love hearing from my mom that she wants me to get better so that she won't have to worry so much about me. It drives me forward when I hear from the nurses that I did a good job eating a meal. I can't bring myself to do it just for me, just to be happy for myself. I guess for now it's OK and that I need some time to stabilize and really calm myself down. For now, getting excited about receiving some form of engagement online is fine.