Moody Monday

Hi there! So today was a pretty bad day. I was weighed this morning and the number was 2 kilos less than last week- 33.6. My BMI is currently 12, which isn't too bad, but the doctor has ordered me bed rest. I can't even go eat my meals outside of the room. Everything is done here. I can't even smoke on the communal balcony, but I have to use the balcony in the nurse's station. As an eating disorder patient you have an educational lesson once a week and right now I am not allowed to go to that either, which is a shame. This week we were supposed to talk about all the dangers we face when we don't eat or purge, etc. I mean, I know all that stuff, but hearing it from an authority makes a huge difference. I will try to persuade my doctor to allow me to go. I doubt she will oblige.

I am trying to pass the time by blogging today. I don't really remember where all the time went, because it didn't take me too long to write about the ICU. I did translate some text for my godmother. It kept me busy and I was glad that I could be of help to someone. I get a lot of support from my godmother, which is amazing.

I talked with my mom on the phone as well, which cheered me up. At least hearing her voice was uplifting. I miss home, but I know that I would struggle tremendously, even more than I do now when I am in the hospital. Every meal is a struggle. Every meal comes with remorses and I want to purge so much, because I don't want to gain weight. However, I have to. It is very difficult to differentiate between the 'healthy' me and the 'anorexic' me. My brain's grey matter has shrunken so much that it doesn't really let rational thoughts win over the unhealthy thoughts.

Tomorrow we have great rounds with the chief and I need to prepare for it. I don't want to forget to ask her anything, because seeing her stresses me out so much that I become silent and numb and overall I speak in a very haphazard manner. So I still have stuff to do today, which is good. Write a diary (for the clinic staff) and compose questions for the chief's rounds tomorrow.